Tantrums.

Dear Mama,
I can't handle all the thoughts and feelings I have all at once right now. 

1. I am past the point of tired.
2. I am a little hungry.
3. I am a little thirsty.
4. I tried to communicate about this umbrella, but you didn't understand.
5. I wanted you to repeat what I was saying, but you repeated the wrong words.
6. I really need a few extra kisses and hugs.
7. I see you are in the middle of cooking, but I can't wait until you're done.

Please see that this is me not knowing what to do with frustration. I was frustrated a little bit ago when I couldn't move that chair the way I needed to. It helped when you noticed and suggested I try a different angle. Then I was frustrated with your shoes that wouldn't fit me, but I figured out I like the flopping noise they make down the hall. I hugged your leg and asked to be picked up in my nice voice and you said your hands were full and you could in a minute. Well, I stopped counting when the minute got past 6 seconds....

.......Finally, this umbrella, this blasted thing. I can't bend it and it's too long to fit in the cupboard. I can't take it anymore. If I don't have the strength of The Hulk to make this work, I'll just freak out. Plus, my belly feels funny and my head hurts a little. Yep, just going to...Freak OUT!

I hear your voice from around the corner. I try to understand that you have got your hands full of raw chicken breast and you can't come sit next to me or scoop me up. I don't want you to save me from my emotions, but moral support IS helpful. Thanks for telling me to sit down when I'm throwing this fit because at least I won't run my head into a wall, like I've done while upset before. Thanks for talking in a calm soothing voice. And finally, thanks for asking if I want to go to bed. Yes! I want to go to bed!

In all seriousness, I'm so thankful you acted on it quickly today. Sometimes you ask, and I say yes and immediately, I start feeling better. It's kind of like when you're starving and just sitting down at a restaurant makes you feel better. Then after you have mentioned bedtime, when I stop crying, sometimes you think you have just a couple more minutes to "finish up" what you are doing. Just so you know, "finishing up" takes a century in my eyes. A CENTURY. While I wait a century, I get all worked up again. The more times I get worked up, the harder it is for me to calm down enough for sleep. Not that you have to follow my measly suggestions, but maybe just do what you did tonight, when I start to break down. Maybe we could all avoid that heartbreak.

My tantrum triggers are, exhaustion, hunger, and frustration all building at the same time. I'll lay it out, just so you know. The new game plan is to ask if I'm ready for bed and listen to my answer. Mama, you know me, and you know I don't agree to bed unless I'm tired. You also have never known me to refuse bedtime if I am tired. Just keep trusting me Mama.

Keep trusting me and communicating openly, I'll try to learn how to keep these emotions in check. I can't tell you how long it will take, but I can tell you I'll try my best as long as you work with me to figure it out. 

Sorry again for my break down tonight. I know it will be better in the morning. Love you bushels and pecks and to the moon and everything those books say.

Seriously love you,
Your sleepy Kami Lou

Here is a link to dealing with temper tantrums however infrequent they might be in your house. http://www.teach-through-love.com/temper-tantrums.html

Behavior changes: Baby Carrier vs. Stroller

Mama says this is not a debate of which is better. This is an issue of the heart.


As a toddler, I proclaim to LOVE strollers. "Stroller to Toko? Stroller to park? Emi's stroller, Gabriel's stroller for a walk? I ride in too?" 

The thing is, I put on a big show that I'm dying to ride in these contraptions. Mama has never cared either way whether I like them or not. My theory is that her indifference drives me to them. If she were to insist I ride in one regularly for hours at a time, she would definitely need bribes. Shockingly enough, when I ride in the Ergo (backpack) for hours, the only reason I want down is because I see something I want to get my hands into. 

Mama strapped me into this stroller to go to Tokyo. I am checking out my surroundings while I settle into my spot on the train. It has been the first time using one (of my own) in months. Based on my insistence of riding with Emi in her stroller, Mama thought the love would naturally carry over. Let me tell you, it didn't.

I started squirming on the train and didn't stop upon arrival. Daddy and Mama thought movement was the issue, so we weaved our way through the crowd at lightening speed. Tears start coming and I ask, "Up please. Out. Mama, help please." I rode the rest of the day between the pouch sling Mama brought, her arms, and Daddy's arms and shoulders. Well, they tried to put me back in the stroller a couple times, but the action was met with whimpering, my face burying into their shoulder, and me clawing to stay in their arms.

Some people would say I just need to suck it up and get with the program. Sometimes, I agree. I am a toddler learning boundaries of love and respect. The "mind of my own" that I do have is fickle. One minute I am convinced I need to take all my clothes off and the next I am happy to put on all of my coats at one time. Mama knows this and does not cave in to every little whim. No matter how fun taking the lids off all the baking supplies would be, she makes sure I don't.

This thing with the carrier is more than a battle of wills. I have had the pleasure of being close to Mama every day (and most days Daddy too) since I have been born. I love the feeling when she is close. 

In a carrier, she talks to me the whole time and we do everything together. 

In a carrier, she can hear what I'm saying.

In a carrier, she can see what I am talking about when I say, "This? this?"

In a carrier, she tells me the names to everything I ask.

In a carrier, she gives me kisses and nuzzles more than any other time of the day.

In a carrier, she pets my cheek and plays with my hair.

In a carrier, she explains everything she is doing and I try new words.

In a carrier, she can feel me tense up or relax with a change of scenery.

In a carrier, I see what she is doing.

In a carrier, I can see if she is smiling or serious (if I'm on the front).

In a carrier, I can snuggle.

In a carrier, I can go down a slide, up a ladder, or anywhere she goes.

In a carrier, I feel her heart beat.

In a carrier, I match her energy.


Though Mama is not against strollers, there are certain behaviors she notices afterward when I ride in them for more than a short walk. Apparently, I begin to have problems following directions. I begin to have a hard time communicating my feelings. I get frustrated easier. I become clingy and whiny. I have a need to be in between Mama's legs when she is cooking or doing dishes (which is different on a day when she packs me in a carrier). Any little tiny thing makes me upset. Generally, I act like an overtired, clingy, insecure version of myself. At first Mama thought it was just one day, just that situation. Turns out, it's not. She uses me for experiments and we've done this one quite a few times.

Luckily, this unusually terrible behavior can be remedied with lots of kisses and snuggles. Sometimes, she will put me in a wrap just for around the house. With a little TLC I turn back into my normal, obedient, helpful, independent, loving, little self.

Mama doesn't think carriers are the answer for every situation with every single baby. However, she truly believes that they can turn a grumpy baby attitude right side up again. Hormones, breathing, and temperature can all be regulated through some close face to face time. Babies and toddlers of all ages need to hear their mama's and daddy's heartbeat and feel that warm pocket between the chin and shoulder that is perfect for their little head. Of course hugging, kissing, and snuggling can happen anytime, anywhere without a baby carrier. We just notice a big difference in our house on the days I get packed around in one and the days it doesn't happen at all. Mama does realize that the norm in our house is baby wearing, so that's what feels like "home" to me. Other kids feel "at home" in a stroller, car seat, or pack and play. There are benefits to baby wearing and Mama notices severe behavioral differences based on whether or not it is part of our day.

A little history about our baby wearing adventure....Mama carryied me practically nonstop from my birth to three months. After that, she spent 80% of my waking hours packing me around until I was around a year old. During the first year or so, Mama believes a concept called, "nine months in, nine months out." Basically, it means that she carried me inside for nine months, and then she wants to tote me around (in her arms or in a wrap) on the outside for the next nine months. It compliments another concept called "the fourth trimester". Find out more about that here, 
http://babycalm.wordpress.com/2012/07/06/the-fourth-trimester-aka-why-your-newborn-is-only-happy-in-your-arms-30/. 

At first Daddy and Mama would just pack me around in their arms. Once they got tired of doing chores one handed, they would wiggle me into a Moby wrap, a ring sling, a pouch sling, or a woven wrap. I had no preference and I loved them all. This site can help you choose one for you http://babywearinginternational.org/pages/typesofcarriers.php OR you can just try them all out like Mama did. We tried many for free and have found that most mamas who love to "wear" their babies will openly share information and let you try on their wrap stash.

Mama has a few favorite wraps and soft carriers, there is one for every occasion. We have been so many places together during our baby wearing adventures! Cities, country roads, parks, marinas, ferry boats, trains, buses, climbing (down Godzilla's tail slide), zoos, museums, hiking, playing, and everything in between. Here are some examples in the last few months.

I have even started baby wearing adventures of my own. Regular chores while my baby is close are the best. "Shoes in closet. I do it.... I can stir it. Stir slowly. Here, you watch."

Have you started your baby wearing adventure yet?

Boundaries.

Mama Roo is quoting this book left and right. I can't keep up with all this information.

"Discipline is an external boundary, designed to develop internal boundaries in our children." -Henry Cloud and John Townsend in the book Boundaries: When to Say Yes and How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life.

What I can gather out of all this boundary talk is that she is setting boundaries in our relationship so that setting boundaries comes naturally to me. I get it. It's all a part of being consistent. A veteran dad who has raised two responsible, goal oriented, respectful boys once or twice or three times told Mama there is only one really big "rule" for discipline. This important "rule" to remember is... to be consistent. That's it? That's all? Maybe it's harder than it seems?

Kids like to know what to expect. If I can sometimes wiggle during a diaper change, but other times I get in trouble for moving my arms and legs, it can be confusing. Currently, Mama Roo and Daddy Bear are still figuring out what my boundaries will be. I can bounce on the couch when I'm on Daddy's lap, not with Mama, and never by myself. I can touch the mirror with Mama, but not when Daddy is here. I guess they just have to keep communicating, because it seems you have to evaluate the situations as they come. Even if you lay out a game plan for raising babies, new circumstances will usually send a parent back to the drawing board. Thankfully, some decisions are no-brainers like, "No, it's never acceptable to put your hand on the hot stove. Yes, it's always acceptable to say please."

Mama and Daddy are both consistent in their own way, but still need to discuss which way will be the hard and fast rule. However, there are times when you don't need a hard and fast rule. Mama likes to change my clothes standing up. Daddy Bear likes to do most of it laying down. There is no right way and I am accustom to both. I lay down automatically for Daddy and later the same day hold Mama's arms for support before she even starts the dressing procedure. I understand and can adapt to different ways Mama and Daddy get chores done.

I hope this boundaries book will help Mama find the answers she needs to guide me into becoming an adult that thinks for myself. I hope she comes to understand that hard and fast rules are great as long as there is support, hugs, and room to make mistakes.

Figuring it out with Mama one book at a time,
Kami Lou

Boys and Sports According to Opa

Mama says Opa is very wise.

Opa Fish raised four boys with Oma. They saw every kind of personality and every kind of behavior, good and bad. Together, they experienced all the laughter, silliness, discussions, and arguments that come with four personalities trying to find their place in the world.

Sports are important to Opa. He says many lessons can be learned on the field that you can apply successfully to real life. There is a way to support children through sports while letting them feel your love and pride. Other parents find a way to drown kids with pressure and lecturing, using examples of what the kids did wrong during the game or practice. Most parents fit somewhere in the middle of the spectrum. Opa says you can never spoil a kid with love. He used love to balance all the other aspects of sports with his four boys over the course of  28 years of coaching, watching, and supporting their games. 

Like everything else in life, finding the balance of support for each child is the ultimate goal. There are a few topics, behaviors, and situations that present themselves very often in sports. Handling them in stride, this is what Opa has to say.....

1. ATTITUDE

Opa reminds his boys attitude is EVERYTHING. If you have a good attitude about playing, your failures will be new learning experiences and your successes are taken in stride without developing a big ego. Bad attitudes will ruin you, not just as a player, but your character as a person. Opa insists bad attitudes are not tolerated or allowed in his house or on his field. How you react to a failure or a set back is just as important as making the right play or move is what he would repeat over and over through the years. 

2. Failure: 

Opa talks about how sports games are a series of wins and losses. He uses baseball as an example more than any other sport. In baseball, the other team HAS TO mess up for you to score. So at bat, the pitcher "messes up" and you get a hit. The fielder "misses it" for you to get on base. You can't be hard on yourself or your child every time someone has a small win or they make a small mistake. Opa would constantly talk about the fact that many hall of fame athletes in baseball strike out 7 out of 10 times. 30% success rate, in real life you would lose your job, but in baseball that's normal. In sports, you have to lose to get better.

3. Critique

After the game, Opa would choose not to talk most of the time. When reading his boys body language to see how they felt about the game, he would let them elaborate and mostly not say anything. If there was any criticism he had to share about their performance, he would ask, "Can I make a suggestion?" Sometimes the boys would say yes. Most of the time, in the moment, they would say no. Later the boys would usually come around and say, "Ok dad, what was I doing?" He would tell them something like, "You were keeping your hips closed instead of open or you weren't looking at the ball when you were batting. I can work on it with you in the back yard as much as you want." It would always be a critique they could work on and improve for their next match up.

4. Closure

After a game, they got in the car and the only thing Opa would say is, "That was fun." Every time.....that's all he said. I'm sure it came with a big smile sometimes and solemn look other times. Mostly, the idea he wanted to communicate is that he just loved watching his boys play. He didn't care if they won or lost and he didn't say anything about it either way. They would drive home talking or in silence but almost never in anger.

5. Motivation

Opa actually didn't cheer much or loudly for his boys. He was usually their coach, so that was one reason he didn't make a big display of their success. It may seem counter-intuitive, but it also meant that mistakes weren't met with him kicking the dirt, disapproving looks or cursing. The most acknowledgement the boys got was a head nod to know they made the right choice or the right play. The head nod was only when Daddy or his brothers looked over and needed a little reassurance. 

Daddy reflected that he knew Opa was proud of him based on those little things. Daddy also knew he could never let Opa down with his performance. The worst game in the world would happen and Opa would get in the car and say "That was fun." Daddy said he was internally motivated to work on game plays and his own performance. My daddy was his own worst critic, Opa never tried to take that job from him.

6. Coaching vs. Fathering

Opa loved to help and was almost always available to run plays, play catch, or bat around. They spent many afternoons at practice with the whole team and evenings working one on one in the backyard. Having a good example set by their father, the brothers would help each other too. Catching balls for the practicing pitcher or batting grounders to each other was a common site. Opa tried not too push them too hard insisting they practice until they get it perfect. Mostly, he let them be their own judges to when they felt like they were done for the day. Spending time with his boys was enough for Opa, so watching them develop into amazing athletes, brothers, and leaders was just a bonus.

Talking to Daddy about Opa is so great. Daddy has the most amazing relationships with his mom and dad, my Oma and Opa. They have lots of wisdom when it comes to raising boys who love sports.

Out of Oma and Opa's four boys, three played sports in college on full scholarships. The other got offered a small scholarship to play at a smaller school and declined it. Two went on to play in the minor leagues. One played internationally. All the boys still love sports and love their dad. That has to count for something.

I just hope that Opa's secrets are something my Daddy can duplicate. I like sports too!

Do American kids know freedom?

This article has Mama talking about freedom. 

Children in many cultures have much more freedom than in America, which I find humorous based on our slogan "Home of the Free." I might know what freedom is, but then again, I might be too young. "I walking on orge. I do it maself. I fast. You comin?"

You can find the whole article here. It will WELL worth the read.  Griffith's article here  
The writer begins by presenting the traditional practices among many indigenous communities most common when raising infants (0-2 years). He basically points out that in those first years, babies are cuddled next to their Mama or another close caregiver and never left alone. They are given everything they need: Food, kisses, toys (a stick or something), attention, a good vantage point to observe the world, adult interaction, and peer interaction. He goes on to say that after the infancy period, children are "in charge" of their own time. They sleep when they need to, eat when they deem it necessary, and relieve themselves when their body tells them it's time.

"When I spent some days reindeer herding with Sami people, I saw how the children were free not only out on the land, but indoors in the summer huts. They rummaged around for food, finding a strip of cooked reindeer meat or a freshly caught fish or a tub of biscuits, deciding what and when they would eat: a situation that averted that major source of family conflict – meal times."

What would that look like here, in America? Do you think there are more or less dangers here than in the jungle of South America, the tundra of Russia, or the desert of Egypt?

I know it's hard to compare our lifestyle to that of nomadic groups with no cars, no 9-5 jobs, and a general sense of working as a team. The author went on to compare more industrialized countries.

In 1960, the American psychiatrist Herbert Hendin was studying suicide statistics in Scandinavia. Denmark (with Japan) had the world's highest suicide rate. Sweden's rate was almost as high, but what of Norway? Right at the bottom. Hendin was intrigued, particularly since the received wisdom was that Denmark, Sweden and Norway shared a similar culture. What could possibly account for such a dramatic difference? After years of research, he concluded that reasons were established in childhood. In Denmark and Sweden, children were brought up with regimentation, while in Norway they were free to roam. In Denmark and Sweden, children were pressured to achieve career goals until many felt they were failures, while in Norway they were left alone more, not so much instructed but rather simply allowed to watch and participate in their own time. Instead of a sense of failure, Norwegian children grew up with a sense of self-reliance.
Danish children, the study showed, were over-protected, kept dependent on their mothers and not free to roam. For Swedish children, a common experience was that, in infancy, just when they needed closeness, what they got was separation and a sense of abandonment while, in later childhood, just when they needed freedom, what they got was far too much control. Norwegian children played outdoors for hours unsupervised by adults, and a child's freedom was "not likely to be restricted". They had more closeness than Swedish children at an early age, but then more freedom than both Danish and Swedish children at a later age, suggesting that closeness followed by freedom is likely to produce the happiest children.
Unfortunately, in the decades since Hendin's work, as Norway became more centralised and urbanised, childhood altered. Norwegian children now spend more time indoors in sedentary activities, such as watching television or DVDs and playing computer games, than they do outdoors. The suicide rate is now far higher.

When we are talking about freedom for kids here, it doesn't mean letting them watch TV all Saturday. We are talking about outdoor freedom. Freedom to wander through the park without someone telling them to go up the slide or swing on the swings. Freedom to climb a tree. Freedom to just sit in a pile of dirt for an hour. Freedom to walk at the pace they want to walk.  

Take a step back for a moment. Letting children have their own way? Doing just what they like? Wouldn't that be a total disaster? Yes, if parents perform only the first half of the trick. In the cultural lexicon of modernity, self-will is often banally understood as brattish, selfish behaviour. Will does not mean selfishness, however, and autonomy over oneself is not a synonym for nastiness towards others – quite the reverse. Ngarinyin children in Australia traditionally grew up uncommanded and uncoerced, but from a young age they learned socialisation. That is the second half of the trick. Children are socialised into awareness and respect for the will and autonomy of others, so that, when necessary as they grow, they will learn to hold their own will in check in order to maintain good relations. For a community to function well, an individual may on occasion need to rein in his or her own will but, crucially, not be compelled to do so by someone else.

Freedom doesn't mean letting them throw tantrums, kick chair legs, jump on the couch, or talk back to you. Freedom means letting them have the space to learn from your example. It means surrounding them with acceptable behavior over and over. It means keeping them next to you instead of sending them away to play with their toys in another room. Freedom means letting them come along side you to cook dinner when they show an interest, not coercing them to do it only when you as a parent are prepared for it. There is freedom in talking to your kids all the time about anything and everything. There is freedom in answering their questions truthfully, every time. 

Freedom doesn't mean dropping your child off in a forest and leaving. Go to a park and test their freedom. Sit on a blanket in one spot reading or lounging and see how far their natural wandering distance is... Or you can help them create one by letting them go a comfortable distance 20-30 feet and say that's far enough, wander back this way.

Adults keep a reticent and tactful distance. A child "is learning on his own" is a common Sami expression.

I'm not saying we should send an six year old off into the neighborhood when they have never done it before. Maybe just let them walk ahead or behind you with the only rule being they have to stay within the same block. Then soon enough, maybe you can send them to play at the park on their own. After that, maybe they can go all the way to the store to find a treat on their own.

Based on how the current American culture views children, do you even think it's possible to let them have lots of freedom at a young age? Could you do it only in your home and expect them to behave differently in public situations?

For Americans maybe freedom starts giving kids choices, alternative solutions, and helps them make their own goals. You can eat your dinner now or later, I'll save it for you. Do you want carrots, broccoli, or both? Here is your water, I'll put it on the small table so you can reach it without my help. Choose the best time to get your homework done. Please make your own dinner tonight. What are your goals for this year in school and how can you accomplish them?

Does this make you reconsider the amount of freedom kids have and whether it determines how happy they are? 

Just helping Mama figure it out one article at a time,
Kami Lou

Trust is a big deal.

Mama says trustworthiness is a powerful trait.

Mama says trust starts building from the moment you are born. As adults, there are systems in life you HAVE to trust everyday. You have to trust that when you take a breath in, oxygen will fill your lungs. You trust that the toilet will flush (unless you have toddlers, then maybe not). You trust that the grocery store will be open during the hours stated on the door. You trust your Grandma Millie will always try and kiss you on the lips, even though you are 25. You trust your spouse to pick up the kids from school. The list keeps going from there.

As a child, I am learning to trust and also feeling the blessed by a Mama who trusts me. Currently, Mama trusts me to tell her when I need a new diaper. Mama trusts me to steer clear of plug ins and the trash. Mama trusts me to wait patiently while she cuts an apple for my snack. Mama trusts me to show her I am sleepy. Mama trusts me to sit here on this ledge long enough to take my picture.

Mama hasn't always trusted me on a ledge like this. Trust between a mother and child builds with time, much like building any other relationship.

In my short lifespan, she has done many things to develop my sense of trust. These are some  of the practices she followed in the first few weeks all the way until now. I know about them because I listen in on all her good conversations.

Step 1

Feed your baby when she asks. A newborn baby needs to to eat often and being able to rely on you to feed her when she is hungry will help her learn to trust you as her parent now and as she grows up. Breastfeeding can enhance this early bonding and trust-building process.

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Step 2

Change your baby's diaper when he needs it. Wearing a wet or soiled diaper is uncomfortable for a baby and keeping him clean and dry allows him to trust you to help him when he needs it and to keep him comfortable.

Step 3

Learn to interpret your baby's cries. She will cry differently when she is hungry than she will when she is tired or bored. Understanding what her cries mean will allow you to quickly meet her needs at the moment, which helps her feel that you are going to be there to care for her when she needs it.

Step 4

Lay your baby down to sleep when he is tired or keep him snuggled to your body. Adequate rest is important for his growth and will allow him to better interact with you when he is awake. This provides opportunities to bond and build trust because he will be well rested and healthy. Rocking your baby and singing to him are also good ways to help your baby learn that he can trust you. These actions will soothe him and make him feel safe when he is with you.

Step 5

Touch your baby. This is done by holding her or lightly massaging her. Babies thrive on skin-to-skin contact, so touch is a powerful way to teach your baby that she can trust you. Touch can also be achieved by playing gently with your baby or giving her a bath.

Read more: http://www.livestrong.com/article/228261-developing-trust-between-parent-baby/#ixzz2STpyPAqu

As I get older, Mama trusts me with new things. I make lots of mistakes along the way. Because Mama trusts me, I have a sense of confidence. Climbing is a great example of how she trusts me. Usually, she watches from afar. I always look around and assess my strategy. When she gets too close, she becomes part of my solution and I don't use all my resources. Often, if she is too close I discard my original plan and ask Mama to pick me up. By staying further away, she is actually fine-tuning my problem solving skills. With her out of arms reach, I evaluate the risk and decide whether I am up for the challenge. I have calculated the risk for this chain ladder multiple times. Many attempts have failed, but finally, at 1 1/2 years old, I have conquered it! Ah, feels good to accomplish a goal. 

Each child is different, but they all want your trust. Sometimes parents forget about that. 

Opportunities to show your kids they can trust you and telling/showing your children you trust them are both very beneficial. There are times during the day you are already making deposits in your kiddos trust bank. There also might be times when your actions tell them you do not trust them (remaking their bed because they didn't do it right), even if your mouth says you do. Falsely cheering or thanking children for a job well done, doesn't serve any good purpose if they see/know you go back and "fix it" for them. 

Do you trust your kids? Do they trust you?

Trying to figure everything out,
Kami Lou