Children in many cultures have much more freedom than in America, which I find humorous based on our slogan "Home of the Free." I might know what freedom is, but then again, I might be too young. "I walking on orge. I do it maself. I fast. You comin?"
The writer begins by presenting the traditional practices among many indigenous communities most common when raising infants (0-2 years). He basically points out that in those first years, babies are cuddled next to their Mama or another close caregiver and never left alone. They are given everything they need: Food, kisses, toys (a stick or something), attention, a good vantage point to observe the world, adult interaction, and peer interaction. He goes on to say that after the infancy period, children are "in charge" of their own time. They sleep when they need to, eat when they deem it necessary, and relieve themselves when their body tells them it's time.
"When I spent some days reindeer herding with Sami people, I saw how the children were free not only out on the land, but indoors in the summer huts. They rummaged around for food, finding a strip of cooked reindeer meat or a freshly caught fish or a tub of biscuits, deciding what and when they would eat: a situation that averted that major source of family conflict – meal times."
What would that look like here, in America? Do you think there are more or less dangers here than in the jungle of South America, the tundra of Russia, or the desert of Egypt?
I know it's hard to compare our lifestyle to that of nomadic groups with no cars, no 9-5 jobs, and a general sense of working as a team. The author went on to compare more industrialized countries.
In 1960, the American psychiatrist Herbert Hendin was studying suicide statistics in Scandinavia. Denmark (with Japan) had the world's highest suicide rate. Sweden's rate was almost as high, but what of Norway? Right at the bottom. Hendin was intrigued, particularly since the received wisdom was that Denmark, Sweden and Norway shared a similar culture. What could possibly account for such a dramatic difference? After years of research, he concluded that reasons were established in childhood. In Denmark and Sweden, children were brought up with regimentation, while in Norway they were free to roam. In Denmark and Sweden, children were pressured to achieve career goals until many felt they were failures, while in Norway they were left alone more, not so much instructed but rather simply allowed to watch and participate in their own time. Instead of a sense of failure, Norwegian children grew up with a sense of self-reliance.
Danish children, the study showed, were over-protected, kept dependent on their mothers and not free to roam. For Swedish children, a common experience was that, in infancy, just when they needed closeness, what they got was separation and a sense of abandonment while, in later childhood, just when they needed freedom, what they got was far too much control. Norwegian children played outdoors for hours unsupervised by adults, and a child's freedom was "not likely to be restricted". They had more closeness than Swedish children at an early age, but then more freedom than both Danish and Swedish children at a later age, suggesting that closeness followed by freedom is likely to produce the happiest children.
Unfortunately, in the decades since Hendin's work, as Norway became more centralised and urbanised, childhood altered. Norwegian children now spend more time indoors in sedentary activities, such as watching television or DVDs and playing computer games, than they do outdoors. The suicide rate is now far higher.
When we are talking about freedom for kids here, it doesn't mean letting them watch TV all Saturday. We are talking about outdoor freedom. Freedom to wander through the park without someone telling them to go up the slide or swing on the swings. Freedom to climb a tree. Freedom to just sit in a pile of dirt for an hour. Freedom to walk at the pace they want to walk.
Take a step back for a moment. Letting children have their own way? Doing just what they like? Wouldn't that be a total disaster? Yes, if parents perform only the first half of the trick. In the cultural lexicon of modernity, self-will is often banally understood as brattish, selfish behaviour. Will does not mean selfishness, however, and autonomy over oneself is not a synonym for nastiness towards others – quite the reverse. Ngarinyin children in Australia traditionally grew up uncommanded and uncoerced, but from a young age they learned socialisation. That is the second half of the trick. Children are socialised into awareness and respect for the will and autonomy of others, so that, when necessary as they grow, they will learn to hold their own will in check in order to maintain good relations. For a community to function well, an individual may on occasion need to rein in his or her own will but, crucially, not be compelled to do so by someone else.Freedom doesn't mean letting them throw tantrums, kick chair legs, jump on the couch, or talk back to you. Freedom means letting them have the space to learn from your example. It means surrounding them with acceptable behavior over and over. It means keeping them next to you instead of sending them away to play with their toys in another room. Freedom means letting them come along side you to cook dinner when they show an interest, not coercing them to do it only when you as a parent are prepared for it. There is freedom in talking to your kids all the time about anything and everything. There is freedom in answering their questions truthfully, every time.
Freedom doesn't mean dropping your child off in a forest and leaving. Go to a park and test their freedom. Sit on a blanket in one spot reading or lounging and see how far their natural wandering distance is... Or you can help them create one by letting them go a comfortable distance 20-30 feet and say that's far enough, wander back this way.
Adults keep a reticent and tactful distance. A child "is learning on his own" is a common Sami expression.I'm not saying we should send an six year old off into the neighborhood when they have never done it before. Maybe just let them walk ahead or behind you with the only rule being they have to stay within the same block. Then soon enough, maybe you can send them to play at the park on their own. After that, maybe they can go all the way to the store to find a treat on their own.
Based on how the current American culture views children, do you even think it's possible to let them have lots of freedom at a young age? Could you do it only in your home and expect them to behave differently in public situations?
For Americans maybe freedom starts giving kids choices, alternative solutions, and helps them make their own goals. You can eat your dinner now or later, I'll save it for you. Do you want carrots, broccoli, or both? Here is your water, I'll put it on the small table so you can reach it without my help. Choose the best time to get your homework done. Please make your own dinner tonight. What are your goals for this year in school and how can you accomplish them?
Does this make you reconsider the amount of freedom kids have and whether it determines how happy they are?
Just helping Mama figure it out one article at a time,
Kami Lou
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